I STAND AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
I will be discussing a social issue that has not only affected myself personally but many women on a daily basis,
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I am a
SURVIVOR of domestic violence and luckily I was able to get out of that situation. I spent days trying to figure out how to cover up my bruises so that my family would not see them on me. I was afraid to tell, to speak about what was going on. He would always tell me, "I'm a Marine. I was trained to kill. I can kill you and make it look like an accident." So, I learned a lot of tricks during this time, I even learned how to cover up a broken nose. I was not able to cover the holes in the wall and door though. My dad was the first to notice. I of course denied the whole thing, as many women do. I kept on telling myself that it would eventually stop because he loved me and I know he did not truly mean to hurt me. It never stopped though. My final straw was when he took it out on my daughter. At the time, I had my two kids. My son was 3 and my daughter was just a few months old. He had never laid a hand on them until that night. He came home from work around 3 in the morning because he used to work nights, extremely upset with me. See we worked at the same location however I worked during the day. He had heard from somebody at work that I had sat down to have lunch with another guy. This part was true. What they failed to tell him was that it was a group of us and I was just one of five people. When he got home, he stormed into the room and started yelling at me. Of course him screaming woke up our daughter. He then turned towards her and started yelling at her to shut up. I begged him not to yell at her and when I tried to get up to comfort her, he threw me across the room. It was at that point that he picked her up and started shaking her while yelling for her to shut up. I crawled up to the bed and begged him to please give me my baby. He turned to me and threw her. Luckily she landed "safely" on the bed. He got his wallet and left. That is the exact moment that I got the courage to leave. My family helped me get through it all and I have not seen him since that night. At first, it was hard for me to speak to others about my trauma but over the years I have learned that what I went through not only made me stronger but has and can help others along the way.
First of all, what is domestic violence?
Domestic violence
is violence or other abuse in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or
cohabitation. It may be termed intimate partner violence when committed
by a spouse or partner in an intimate relationship against the other
spouse or partner, and can take place in heterosexual or same-sex
relationships, or between former spouses or partners. Domestic violence
can also involve violence against children, parents, or the elderly. It
takes a number of forms, including physical, verbal, emotional,
economic, religious, reproductive, and sexual abuse, which can range
from subtle, coercive forms to marital rape and to violent physical
abuse such as choking, beating, female genital mutilation, and acid
throwing that results in disfigurement or death.
On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an
intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to
more than 10 million women and men. However, women are not the only one's that can be victims of domestic violence.
* 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical
violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate
partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness,
post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of
sexually transmitted diseases, etc. * 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.
This
includes a range of behaviors (e.g. slapping, shoving, pushing) and in
some cases might not be considered "domestic violence."
* 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.
* 1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner. Data is unavailable on male victims.
* 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical
violence (e.g. beating, burning, strangling) by an intimate partner in
their lifetime
* On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide
* Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.
* Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries
Every year during the month of October, Break the Silence Against
Domestic Violence runs a campaign dedicated to raising awareness to
intimate partner violence. Silence is the abuser’s biggest protector,
and through increased awareness on the violence occurring behind closed
doors, we can reduce the isolation, shame, and stigma surrounding abuse. The company's focus is on empowering victims and their family, friends, and
co-workers by giving them life-saving information and encouragement to
help them break free from domestic violence and take back their lives.
To achieve a successful break from an abusive relationship, it is
necessary to have the right tools to not only help you or someone you
love to leave their abuser but to also stay safe in the process.
Getting out of an abusive relationship isn’t easy, but we all deserve to live free of fear
Why doesn’t she just leave? It’s the question many people ask
when they learn that a woman is suffering battery and abuse. But if you
are in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s not that simple.
Ending a significant relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when
you’ve been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically
beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.
If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling
confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. Maybe you’re still hoping
that your situation will change or you’re afraid of how your partner
will react if he discovers that you’re trying to leave. One moment, you
may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on
to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel
weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t
be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that
matters is your safety.
If you are being abused remember:
- You are not to blame for being mistreated or battered
- You are not the cause of you partner's abusive behavior
- You deserve to be treated with respect
- You deserve a safe and happy life
- Your children deserve a safe and happy life
- You are not alone. There are people waiting to help
Making the decision to leave an abusive relationship
As one faces the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, one must keep the following things in mind:
If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change… The
abuse will probably keep happening. Abusers have deep emotional and
psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick
or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full
responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops
blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his
temper.
If you believe you can help your abuser… It’s only
natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the
only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his
problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated
abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the behavior. Instead of helping
your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.
If your partner has promised to stop the abuse… When
facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for
forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in
the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from
leaving. Most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior
once you’ve forgiven them and they’re no longer worried that you’ll
leave.
If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers…
Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll
change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent,
abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the
problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to
make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will
become.
If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave…
You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go,
or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of
the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.
Safety planning for abused women
Whether or not you’re ready to leave your abuser, there are steps one can take to protect yourself. These safety tips may make the difference between being severely injured or killed and escaping with your life.
Know your abuser’s red flags. Stay alert for signs and
clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or
violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave
the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble
brewing.
Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if
your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces
without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such
as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an
outside door or window.
Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or
signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or
co-workers know that you’re in danger and they should call the police.
Make an escape plan
Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car
fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked.
Hide a spare car key where you can get to it quickly. Have emergency
cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a
safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).
Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your
escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your
abuser. If you have children, make sure they practice the escape plan
also.
Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask
several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a
place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of
your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.
Domestic violence shelters
A domestic violence shelter or women’s shelter is a building or
set of apartments where abused and battered women can go to seek refuge
from their abusers. The location of the shelter is kept confidential in
order to keep your abuser from finding you.
Domestic violence shelters generally have room for both mothers and
their children. The shelter will provide for all your basic living
needs, including food and childcare. The length of time you can stay at
the shelter is limited, but most shelters will also help you find a
permanent home, job, and other things you need to start a new life. The
shelter should also be able to refer you to other services for abused
and battered women in your community, including:
- Legal help
- Counseling
- Support Groups
- Services for your children
- Employment programs
- Health-related services
- Educational opportunities
- Financial assistance
If you go to a domestic violence shelter or women’s refuge, you do not
have to give identifying information about yourself, even if asked.
While shelters take many measures to protect the women they house,
giving a false name may help keep your abuser from finding you,
particularly if you live in a small town.
Additional Help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence
P. O. Box 1798
Sacramento, CA 95812
Office: (916) 444-7163 Fax: (916) 444-7165
Website:
www.cpedv.org
Email:
info@cpedv.org
