Domestic Violence

                I STAND AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

 

 I will be discussing a social issue that has not only affected myself personally but many women on a daily basis, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I am a SURVIVOR of domestic violence and luckily I was able to get out of that situation. I spent days trying to figure out how to cover up my bruises so that my family would not see them on me. I was afraid to tell, to speak about what was going on. He would always tell me, "I'm a Marine. I was trained to kill. I can kill you and make it look like an accident." So, I learned a lot of tricks during this time, I even learned how to cover up a broken nose. I was not able to cover the holes in the wall and door though. My dad was the first to notice. I of course denied the whole thing, as many women do. I kept on telling myself that it would eventually stop because he loved me and I know he did not truly mean to hurt me. It never stopped though. My final straw was when he took it out on my daughter. At the time, I had my two kids. My son was 3 and my daughter was just a few months old. He had never laid a hand on them until that night. He came home from work around 3 in the morning because he used to work nights, extremely upset with me. See we worked at the same location however I worked during the day. He had heard from somebody at work that I had sat down to have lunch with another guy. This part was true. What they failed to tell him was that it was a group of us and I was just one of five people. When he got home, he stormed into the room and started yelling at me. Of course him screaming woke up our daughter. He then turned towards her and started yelling at her to shut up. I begged him not to yell at her and when I tried to get up to comfort her, he threw me across the room. It was at that point that he picked her up and started shaking her while yelling for her to shut up. I crawled up to the bed and begged him to please give me my baby. He turned to me and threw her. Luckily she landed "safely" on the bed. He got his wallet and left. That is the exact moment that I got the courage to leave. My family helped me get through it all and I have not seen him since that night. At first, it was hard for me to speak to others about my trauma but over the years I have learned that what I went through not only made me stronger but has and can help others along the way.

First of all, what is domestic violence? Domestic violence is violence or other abuse in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or cohabitation. It may be termed intimate partner violence when committed by a spouse or partner in an intimate relationship against the other spouse or partner, and can take place in heterosexual or same-sex relationships, or between former spouses or partners. Domestic violence can also involve violence against children, parents, or the elderly. It takes a number of forms, including physical, verbal, emotional, economic, religious, reproductive, and sexual abuse, which can range from subtle, coercive forms to marital rape and to violent physical abuse such as choking, beating, female genital mutilation, and acid throwing that results in disfigurement or death.
On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men. However, women are not the only one's that can be victims of domestic violence.
* 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases, etc. * 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. This includes a range of behaviors (e.g. slapping, shoving, pushing) and in some cases might not be considered "domestic violence."
* 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.
* 1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner. Data is unavailable on male victims.
* 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence (e.g. beating, burning, strangling) by an intimate partner in their lifetime
* On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide
* Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.
* Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries

Every year during the month of October, Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence runs a campaign dedicated to raising awareness to intimate partner violence. Silence is the abuser’s biggest protector, and through increased awareness on the violence occurring behind closed doors, we can reduce the isolation, shame, and stigma surrounding abuse. The company's focus is on empowering victims and their family, friends, and co-workers by giving them life-saving information and encouragement to help them break free from domestic violence and take back their lives. To achieve a successful break from an abusive relationship, it is necessary to have the right tools to not only help you or someone you love to leave their abuser but to also stay safe in the process.

Getting out of an abusive relationship isn’t easy, but we all deserve to live free of fear

Why doesn’t she just leave? It’s the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is suffering battery and abuse. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s not that simple. Ending a significant relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when you’ve been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened. 

If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. Maybe you’re still hoping that your situation will change or you’re afraid of how your partner will react if he discovers that you’re trying to leave. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.

 

If you are being abused remember:

• You are not to blame for being mistreated or battered
• You are not the cause of you partner's abusive behavior
• You deserve to be treated with respect
• You deserve a safe and happy life
• Your children deserve a safe and happy life
• You are not alone. There are people waiting to help

Making the decision to leave an abusive relationship

As one faces the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, one must keep the following things in mind:

If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change… The abuse will probably keep happening. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper. 

If you believe you can help your abuser… It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem. 

If your partner has promised to stop the abuse… When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. Most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once you’ve forgiven them and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.

If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers… Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.

If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave… You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation. 

Safety planning for abused women

Whether or not you’re ready to leave your abuser, there are steps one can take to protect yourself. These safety tips may make the difference between being severely injured or killed and escaping with your life. 

Know your abuser’s red flags. Stay alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.

Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.

Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you’re in danger and they should call the police.

Make an escape plan

Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get to it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).

Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, make sure they practice the escape plan also.

Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.

Domestic violence shelters

A domestic violence shelter or women’s shelter is a building or set of apartments where abused and battered women can go to seek refuge from their abusers. The location of the shelter is kept confidential in order to keep your abuser from finding you.

Domestic violence shelters generally have room for both mothers and their children. The shelter will provide for all your basic living needs, including food and childcare. The length of time you can stay at the shelter is limited, but most shelters will also help you find a permanent home, job, and other things you need to start a new life. The shelter should also be able to refer you to other services for abused and battered women in your community, including:

• Legal help
• Counseling
• Support Groups
• Services for your children
• Employment programs
• Health-related services
• Educational opportunities
• Financial assistance

If you go to a domestic violence shelter or women’s refuge, you do not have to give identifying information about yourself, even if asked. While shelters take many measures to protect the women they house, giving a false name may help keep your abuser from finding you, particularly if you live in a small town.

Additional Help:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-7233

California Partnership to End Domestic Violence
P. O. Box 1798
Sacramento, CA 95812
Office: (916) 444-7163 Fax: (916) 444-7165
Website: www.cpedv.org
Email: info@cpedv.org